


Penance

by tatertotarmy



Category: Code:Realize ～創世の姫君～ | Code: Realize - Guardian of Rebirth (Visual Novel)
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, i have a lot of feelings about van ok, if you came for fluff you came to the wrong place, this is after his main route but before future blessings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 14:06:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15708756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tatertotarmy/pseuds/tatertotarmy
Summary: He could remember every detail of that night. All in pristine clarity, so much so he wanted to puke.





	Penance

He could remember every detail of that night. All in pristine clarity, so much so he wanted to puke. That hellish night in New London, the hazy brain fog in the Cathedral. His arm outstretched, clutching around the neck of someone he knew he hated, unaware of the way the edges of his gloves dissolved with the brushing of their skin. They were someone he was told to hate. Someone who ruined everything for him, took everything away. 

And sometimes he blinked, seeing Cardia struggling with her back pressed against the wall. His gun. Pointed towards her. And he couldn’t stop it. 

“Van?”

He blinked, looking down to see her looking up at him, gloved hands raised up in concern.

Van Helsing forced a quickened breath to slow, forced a pensive expression to one of kindness, a smile carefully painted on his lips.

“Yes? What is it?”

She still looked concerned, not backing off one bit. He never liked that expression. It was one she wore all through the year living with the entire group in Saint Germain’s mansion. A neutral expression, with hints of concern. Worry. Sadness. Melancholy. All subtle changes in her face, before; little changes he was quick to pick up on all that time ago. And nowadays, the changes were more pronounced, filled with more emotion. And it just made Van Helsing worry more. 

It just made him think of all the times he made her look that way before. How all he wanted was to make it so she would never wear such an expression again. He scarcely deserved to be with her, after everything he did to her. So that was his one penance. Make sure her life was as perfect as it could be, without any worries to ever trouble herself with.

Of course…he was a perpetual failure at such a thing, it seemed. Especially when the memories always bubbled to the surface.

“Sorry…it just seemed like something was wrong,” Cardia spoke, her eyebrows furrowed. 

“Oh…” Van Helsing paused for a moment before the same smile crossed his lips, “I was just thinking over my next job. Sorry for worrying you.”

Cardia tilted her head, beautiful waves brushing over her shoulder, a shoulder he could not yet touch, “Is there something big happening soon?”

“Yes,” Van Helsing needed to leave, before he worried her more, “There’s a large meeting between the vampires and Queen Elizabeth soon. I actually have a meeting soon…” He took a step back, maintaining his façade. 

“Alright…” Cardia still looked concerned; another mistake to make up for, “Come home safely, Van…” There was a smile on her face, but Van Helsing could tell something was still wrong. More mistakes. 

“I’ll have a surprise when I get home,” he quickly spoke, before turning and walking away, a bit too quickly than his usual pace. Walking out the door of Saint Germain’s now-abandoned manor, reaching to the hidden place by the door, where he kept his guns hidden and out of her sight. All the while, thinking over his mistakes. And how he would make it up to her.

The surprise had been a lie. He had no surprise in store. It was more of a promise to himself. A promise to get something nice for her before he got home. Give her something that would make her smile. A new dress she could wear. Something new for the manor that she would enjoy. Maybe something for dinner that he could cook for her. Things. Things she never had before. 

Giving her the things she never had alone in Wales. Make her happy, never wanting for anything else in the world. Because that would be penance. Penance for making her look that way again. Penance for holding that gun to her – a gun he had already burned in a fire weeks before. And something to let her know that despite all of the blood on his hands – hands that didn’t deserve to ever hold her, poison or no – he could still give her a good life. He knew he didn’t deserve her. And the fact that she chose to be with him was a miracle he wouldn’t trade for the world.

But he wanted to be that same miracle for her. And he didn’t have a fucking clue how to even do that right. All he seemed to know was how to put that same, hurt expression on her face. Over and over and over again. 

He picked up one of his guns from the hiding place, checking the barrel for ammunition. His hands were trembling, but he forced himself to continue routine, burying everything back on the inside.

He blinked, and behind his eyelids he saw the cathedral, his own fingers curl tighter around her neck.

Van Helsing dropped the gun, opening his eyes wide.

And then his hand immediately grabbed the gun, aiming high in the sky, unloading one lethal bullet. 

Stop.

He let out a few more quick breaths, his gun slowly lowering as ringing clouded his hearing. His other hand rose to his hand, brushing hair off a sweaty face. He held back the urge to puke.

Keep it down. Keep it all down.

He slowly got to his feet, taking quick steps away from the manor, before Cardia could see him like this.

She didn’t deserve to see him acting like this.


End file.
